From MUCH ADO ABOUT LOVING by Jack Murnighan and Maura Kelly. Copyright ? 2012 by Maura Kelly and Jack Murnighan. Reprinted by permission of Free Press, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Arm in arm, legs entwined, sweat beading on the marmoreal perfection of the human form, the dance of love just brought to its exquisite denouement, the Marlboro smoked, the snifter sipped dry, and now...
It?s a dangerous time to speak. Post-amour, everyone is vulnerable, the defenses have been laid bare, and any utterance can be taken to have more meaning than intended. How many times have I said some- thing I thought innocent?or even complimentary?only to have it heard by my beloved as something along the lines of ?I wish you would turn into a pizza.?
To see how this plays out in literature, we need only turn to one of the saucier of all highbrow novels, Lady Chatterley?s Lover. There?s enough sex in Lawrence?s scandalous masterwork that I could find ten?yes, ten?things said after sex that you really wouldn?t want to say today. Some are said by men, some are said by women, but both sexes should avoid pretty much all of them.
So without further ado, and in the order in which they appear in the book, here they go:
1. Don?t complain about the timing of someone?s orgasm (or how they got there)
<em>The quote in question: ?You couldn?t go off at the same time as a man, could you? You?d have to bring yourself off ! You?d have to run the show.?</em> Lady Chatterley?s first lover, Michaelis, the colleague of her paralyzed husband (who, admittedly, eventually encourages her to go get pregnant by someone else), is your basic well-dressed dandy. He visits the Chatterley home, he and the lady get busy, he finishes pretty quickly each time they get together, but the ladyship (as a good D. H. Lawrence heroine) keeps him inside of her and brings herself to an orgasm by rubbing herself on his thighs. So after a few times of this, apparently he?s had enough and retorts with the above line. Boys, the rule is never to talk about the woman?s orgasm right after she?s had it, much less criticize how she gets herself there (especially if you?re a Se?or Speedy!). Be thankful that she can come with you, by hook or by crook! Be even more thankful that even if you fall down on your job, she can handle matters herself! And whatever you do, don?t make her self-conscious about it. You think you look great getting your business done? Even if you want to praise her (or yourself ) for the success you just had, better keep still. Let it happen; don?t shine light on it lest it disappear.
2. Never ask if your lover regrets the sex you just had
<em>The quote in question: ??You aren?t sorry, are you?? he asked, as he went at her side.?</em> The real lover of the title is the Chatterley manor gamekeeper, a peasant named Mellors. Mrs. Chatterley accidentally discovers him washing himself by his hut and decides to get a piece o? dat. What follows is an intricate exploration of sex, psychology, and class relations (I was really impressed rereading the whole novel). And though Mellors, the classic strong, silent type, doesn?t do too much yapping, his sensitive nature causes him to ask how the lady feels after their first tryst. Asking if someone regrets the recently concluded festivities might sound nice on paper, but if the person is feeling sorry or uncomfortable after sex, she probably doesn?t want to talk about it. It?s either you or it?s not you, but either way, you?re not likely to be able to fix things. Let her brood; let her figure it out on her own. If she needs you, she?ll ask you a question like, ?Do you think that was a bad idea?? and then you can talk. Otherwise, zip it.
3. Discussing your socioeconomic differences isn?t sexy?or practical
<em>The quote in question: ?Good night, your Ladyship.? </em> If you?re the beneficiary of an other-side-of-the-tracks relationship, probably not such a good idea to point it out. When Mellors gets a little ticked off with Mrs. Chatterley for going away without promising to come back, this is his zinger of a goodbye. The better policy with a rich girl is to just appreciate the hosiery, the eau de parfum, the well-cared-for skin and leave it at that. And if you?re the Julia Roberts pretty woman to his well-heeled Richard Gere, it?s not in your interest to bring it up either. The more you mention the money discrepancy, the more power you give him to hold it against you.
4. Do not allude, however vaguely, to your past lovers or experience
<em>The quote in question: ?We came off together that time... It?s good when it?s like that. Most folks live their lives through and they never know it.?</em> When Mrs. Chatterley does eventually disprove Michaelis?s jab and has a simultaneous orgasm with Mellors, the bohunk makes the mistake not only of mentioning it but of referring to other people?s sex lives. Implication? He?s had sex with other women! Uh-oh. What was just a very private moment with her feeling like she was special suddenly opens a window to his entire past, where she can feel like just the latest in a litany. No matter what observation you want to make about sex, keep everyone else out of it?no referring to your experience or your knowledge in general. Save such observations for less vulnerable moments.
5. Do not mention love to your no-strings-attached lover
<em>The quote in question: ?I . . . I can?t love you!? </em> Mrs. Chatterley has a breakdown after one of her sessions with the game master, confessing that she fears her heart will never be his (though soon it is). The problem is that she?s forgetting that for him the whole affair is pretty much just a roll in the hay with a rich married woman. What Mrs. Chatterley doesn?t realize is that most guys in most affairs would like as few strings attached as possible. If you think you?re never going to fall in love with him, guess what: That?s probably exactly what he?d prefer. No need to feel guilty or to say anything at all.
6. Post-coitus, don?t ever ask if he or she loves you
<em>The quote in question: ?You do love me, don?t you??</em> The classic ?Don?t ask!? question?because if you have to ask it, it probably isn?t the case. Even worse, what response can the other person make? If he says he loves you, isn?t that pretty much like having to ask for flowers, then seeing the roses on the tabletop and resenting that you had to beg for them? And since the sentiment is unlikely to be real, you?re almost insisting that he lie in his response to you, which, even to a person desperate for reassurance, has to be pretty cold comfort. This one is probably the worst all around; if you find it coming to your lips, you?d better keep quiet and start looking for real signs of love, not just hollow, forced assurances.
7. Never, under any circumstances, use the ?c? word
<em>The quote in question: ?Th?art good cunt, though, are?nt ter? Best bit o? cunt left on earth.?</em> Though <em>Lady Chatterley?s Lover</em> was written in the 1920s, the c-word already had a dodgy reputation (despite a variant of it being used in the Middle Ages by Chaucer). In this case, Mrs. Chatterley doesn?t know what it means, but ultimately Mellors makes it clear that the word is pretty much what he likes about her. These days, that would be an utter disaster to say, but even then it wasn?t great.
8. Tread with caution when talking about his penis
<em>The quote in question: ?And now he?s tiny and soft like a little bud of life!?</em> When a man?s expired penis goes flaccid again, often tucking itself back into the scrotum like an undersized turtle head, he?s not exactly proud of it. And ?tiny,? for the record, is never a word a guy wants to hear about his John Thomas. In the scene, you can also tell that Mrs. Chatterley is speaking to Mellors?s unit in baby talk? also never a good thing. When a cock is high and mighty, please comment on it; when it?s spent and downtrodden, don?t make it into a stuffed animal.
9. Do not raise the issue of cohabitation out of the blue
<em>The quote in question: ?I want to come and live with you always, soon.? </em> While this might be a lovely sentiment to say in a real love relationship that had developed adequately, it?s not the kind of idea you want to raise for the first time post-flagrante. And doing it with someone who isn?t ready for cohabitation can only lead to disaster. In this case, Mrs. Chatterley already has a husband, and Mellors is used to living alone and in the woods. The last thing he?d want would be a bunkmate in his hut. So if you picked your guy because he has that independent, bad- boy thing going on, it?s likely to be a while before he wants to give that up and step into the ball and chain. He might abstractly suggest that he could spend the rest of his life with you, but if you reply that you?re packing your hat boxes to move in, the good money says he?ll start squirming.
10. Watch what you say about your lover?s body
<em>The quote in question: ?Tha?s got the nicest arse of anybody. It?s the nicest, nicest women?s arse as is! An ?ivry bit of it is woman . . . Tha?rt not one o? them button-arsed lasses as should be lads . . . It?s a bottom as could hold the world up, it is!?</em> Once again, Mellors?s good intentions would have gotten him in quite the pickle these days. Men, if you?re complimenting a woman?s ass (or pretty much anything else), make sure you don?t call her womanly, don?t comment on its size, and don?t under any circumstances contrast her?even favorably?to skinny girls. You might be trying to say that she looks like a Playboy centerfold; she?s more likely to hear that she could never be in Vogue.
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Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/30/not-to-say-after-sex-chatterley_n_2576285.html
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